It's not you, it's me

Usually when people say that it means it's totally you but not today. Lately I have been depressed as the 1st day of work looms. Actually it was supposed to be today, but I couldn't do it. My mind said I should but everything else in me said HECK NO!! There seems to be a notion that going back to work after the first baby is the hardest and that it gets easier. I'm here to tell you that that is not exactly true. My oldest and I were together for most of his first year until I started college, he is a very social child and so there was never any issues leaving him with a sitter or at a day care, he actually enjoyed it. This was a real relief to me and I was comfortable by the time my daughter came along. She had her brother and they were great. My second daughter spent most of her first year in her daddy's arms, a real challenge when he started working let me tell ya. I was going to school and we lived around the corner so my time away from her was limited. By the time I started working I was a bit more comfortable since my hubby had her. She was not the kind to stay with a sitter or go to a daycare without issue. I was home once more and finishing college with #4 and graduated when he was 18 months, leaving home started to become difficult. They were growing up so fast and I didn't want to miss it. #5 came along and I cried and cried as I headed back to work, it wasn't the kids that cost too much it was the debt that we had that made staying home seem impossible. Things got easier as she really loved being home with her daddy but looked forward to me coming home. She would take my shoes and purse at the door and walk me in, lol. I missed them dearly when I was at work, I cried at my desk as I knew that my working was necessary. They are getting so big and there is so much I miss. Now we have 6 and once again the time is here and I don't want to go, I don't want to miss a moment. I want to hold my babies and laugh at the little things that they do and the crazy things they say. So today I have delayed the inevitable and for one more week I will live, drinking in all the sites and sounds that I will come to miss and capture what I can with my camera. For one more week I can hope that it can be forever this way.

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